We came back from winter break. Deja vu. The door opens, I do not look. I hear his voice- I can see him standing through my peripheral vision.

“That voice…” I turn to look.

The clothes he was wearing, the tone of his voice, and the backpack with the soccer patch. It was the guy from my dream. I could see his face. I couldn’t believe it. My heart was palpitating like never before.

“A premonition? How did I know he was coming? Oh my gosh! I‘m a FREAK!” I was appalled. Eager to find out what this meant, I began to watch him in class to learn something about him. As shy as I am, I never got the courage to talk to him. I would just watch and learn by his actions and how friendly he was with other people.

“Nehemias Blanco, that’s his name. Nini they call him”

I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I began to like what I saw. I know this sounds stalker like but I never did anything like that. I began to see something in Nini that I, to this day, cant explain. Something I liked. I soon fell in love with his personality. It went on like that the rest of the year. Somehow he found out how I felt about him or so I believe. By the end of the year, he disappeared. I wondered if I would see him next year. I wondered. I wondered all summer. I wondered.

The beginning of a new year and a new start. I had forgotten about him until I saw him on that first day of our junior year. My heart raced to it’s fullest as he passed next to me, the smell of his cologne didn’t make me sneeze.

“A new year, a new approach. I HAVE to talk to him, but how?”

Football started, he was on the team.

“I got an idea! I’m going to do something for him that no other girl would do for him. This is how I’m going to show him that I‘m visible. I want him to see that I’m different. This is how I’m going to talk to him, in my language. The language of music and inspiration. No other girl can do this-just me!”

A scrapbook, I went to all the games, even the ones the band wasn’t required to go to, and took pictures of him on the field. That was the best I could do. I had my friends take close-ups for me but I wasn‘t as lucky to get many shots. The book would contain the pictures that I had taken, a CD and lyrics to the songs. I hand picked the songs to express how I felt. I also added newspaper clippings of the team, pictures of him and some inspirational quotes. In the back, a letter I wrote explaining my reason for the book, a bit about me, and the dream I had. I would write to him about the dream I had hoping he would understand. I felt he should know about it since it is what led me to him. The book took longer to put together than I expected and I spent more than $100 on it. I slacked off in all my classes concentrating on this book. I wanted it to be perfect. It still didn’t come out how I wanted it to.

I finished the book sometime in December. A week before we were off to winter break. I thought he could receive it like a Christmas present. I never intended it to be a Christmas present but that’s how it worked out. I was excited and petrified at the same time. That day came, a Monday. He would receive the book, not by my hands. I trusted my best friend Crystal to give Nini the scrapbook. During lunch, she approaches me with my book. My heart began pounding with every vessel in full action. Thinking he had rejected my book, she quickly says,

“He was with a girl. I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation.”

I pleaded her to try again right now, that moment. Before she left, I gave her directions I wanted her to follow. Those directions were to wait until he was alone and to tell him to look at it on his own time, it was private. To not let anyone else see it, it was private.

I don’t know exactly what happened but she didn’t deliver. She let our EVIL friend Ana give him the book. From what I was told, she didn’t say a word. She just gave it to him in front of all his friends and walked away. He opened it right there, guys all around then, soon joined in a few girls; a confused look on his face. Meanwhile, I, nervously waiting for Crystal to return, she finds me and says

“I’m sorry.” She explains what happened.

With my eyes already watering up

“How did he react? What did he do?”

I was already tearing; I knew deep down everything was messed up. Nothing went the way it was suppose to.

“He looked confused…his friends were laughing at him then he began to laugh.” I was furious with Ana. I cried the rest of the lunch period.

The bell rang and I was slowly making my way to class. As I wiped away my tears, a good friend approaches me... Bri!

“What’s wrong Patty? Why are you crying? How did it go with the book?”

With no hesitation, I told her everything. She already knew about the book and for whom it was for. She hugged me tight; I closed my eyes tight and took a deep breath. When I opened them, I could see him in the distance making his way toward me; or so it seemed. -“Nini is in my next class. I’m going to try and find out what exactly went on ok! Most likely he’s going to tell his best friend about it. I’ll make sure your book is ok and he doesn’t throw it away. Hopefully it gets better here.”

We embraced again and I immediately took off before he got any closer and saw me.

Still distressed but lingering with hope, I zoomed out of class as soon as the bell rang. As soon as I saw Bri, I knew my hope was shattered.

“Some girls were looking at your book and found the letter you wrote him. They were reading parts of it out loud. I’m so sorry patty. I know this isn‘t what you wanted to hear but he‘s a big jerk Patty! He‘s stupid and doesn‘t know how special you really are.”

I visualized myself as the HULK, angry like never before. Then, I cried in her arms till the bell rang for our next class. As she walked me to my class, I asked,

“What did he do about it? He didn’t tell them to stop or took it away?”

“No. He just acted like he didn’t care. As if he wasn’t listening. He would laugh sometimes.”

I don‘t know what came over me after that moment. I felt such anger and pain. I became depressed and began to push away all my friends. I thought he would understand-I couldn‘t be more wrong. All my friends warned me of the type of person he was but did I ever listen? No. Instead, I choose to seek out that uniqueness that made me see the person inside. Never once did I pay attention to what others said, I never judge a person by others words. I have to see it to believe it and I never saw it. I never believed it. Still feeling mutual to how I perceived Nehemias, I had never felt like my world wasn’t revolving until this happened.

How I felt, I can’t explain. How I saw the world after that is hard to say. A pain so massive can’t be put down in words. It was felt. It was haunting. It can be seen…but not in me. I hid how bad I felt. I let it eat me up inside and out every day. No one ever knew I was hurting, they all thought I was over it because that’s what I would tell them. My family not once did they suspect any change than my usual self. In reality, I was transforming into a cold person. Turning away all my friends, yelling at them, not talking to anyone, excluding myself from everyone and everywhere. Soon, no one wanted to be around me or talk to me. They were finally tired of putting with me and not knowing why I began to act as I was. I didn’t want to talk about it. They wouldn’t understand and they never did even when I would speak. It felt as if he began to talk about me. Whenever I would walk by his “hang out” spot, I would get stared down and laughed at by his “posse“. I would walk by with my head down, embarrassed, sad, and angry. It felt that way all the time, even when I wasn’t anywhere near his friends. I would walk the campus feeling as if I had cameras following me. There was not one get away where I wasn’t being stared down. It seemed like the whole school knew.

What made me think maybe he thought it was a great gift; and what made me feel sorry for bestowing the book at all- I don’t know. I just felt maybe he’s not laughing at me but how would I know.

“How could I be so angry at him?” I had my reasons to hate him and they were good ones. As for Ana, I never spoke to her again.

Spring break was coming up and the band was going to HAWAI’I. Finally a new feeling…Excitement! I can get away from all this, take a break, leave it behind and start fresh. Not once did I think of Nehemias unless someone mentioned him. I consider that ruining my vacation when he was brought up. I wanted a little Hawaiian drum. It took me almost all of my vacation until I found the perfect one and at a reasonable price. I brought it home but left it at school. Instead of keeping it, I wrote a letter and gave it to my friend Nicole to give to Nini. I don’t know what went through my head. I don’t know what made me want to present another gift upon him. After all the trouble I went through to find the perfect drum and buy it. I asked Nicole what his reaction was

“He took it. He asked if there was Anthrax on it before he took it. I think he threw the letter away.”

“What an idiot! Anthrax?”

The fact that he didn’t read the letter pissed me off. I was pissed off but kind of glad he didn’t read the letter or returned the drum. I didn’t know what I was saying in the letter anyway. It was all-senseless.

I became sick a couple of days after that whole mistake. I was detained in the hospital for a week. All I could think about was Nehemias. After thinking and saying to myself I had moved on finally. I thought about him when I was in pain. I thought about him when suicide became and option. I thought about him when I was alone and longed for company.

“I wish he knew I was here-suffering. I wish I would die and he would regret everything. I wish I would die and he would think of me all the time. I wish I would die so I can haunt him. I wish he knew I was here. Mostly, I wish he loved me. I wish he was here.”

I repeated those wishes in my head everyday, every minute that I felt I couldn’t go on. I finally got out of the hospital but found myself home for another long week to recover. I was out of school for a total of 2 weeks. When I came back, everyone missed me. I had my friends back, my personality had refreshed in Hawaii and I was me again. I saw Nini that morning of my return. Rage and excitement filled my eyes and soul. Still, the feeling of being watched never went away. In my mind, I was the talk of the school, among the jocks and whomever they passed it on to. I figured I had to show Nini up somehow. I had to show him I didn’t mind anymore. I would purposely walk by him and his gang with my head held high and a strict face. Anything to shut him up and gaze harder. That made me feel a bit good. It went that way all the way till the end of the school year, and then he disappeared. All I wanted now was revenge; I wanted to make him suffer. Feel what I felt so he knows how horrible it feels. Revenge.

Seniors! Finally! This time nothing was going to bring me down. I was going to be a mighty brick wall. I’d see him. I’d think nothing of him except how badly I wanted to key his car! I was tempted many times but that type of evilness just isn’t me. Besides, he drove a mustang. Mustangs are my favorite cars.

My friends and I were bored in Latin Jazz class. We were talking about senseless stuff, anything to make the period fun. The subject comes up about love and revenge and somehow we start talking about me. One of my friends already knows the story but the other wants to know who this guy is.

“Nehemias Blanco,” I said.

“Nini! That jerk!” she says.

“I’m a have a long talk with that guy. He doesn’t do that to my friends. That’s messed up and your so sweet. He’s such a jerk…why Nini?”

I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know why Nini. I asked her to do me a huge favor:

“Can you ask Nini about the book…please. Ask him if he still has it. Tell him I really want to see it…I miss it.”

“Sure. I’ll get it back for you Patricia.” she says with no hesitation.

I didn’t want it back, I just wanted to look at it and make sure my book was still around. The next time I saw her, she came to me surprised and said,

“He doesn’t know you. He doesn’t know who you are!”

“What?!”

“He said he doesn’t know a girl named Patricia!”

“Then who the hell made him that book? Bull shit! He damn right knows who I am.”

“He said he doesn’t.”

“What about the book?”

“He doesn’t have it.”

“What?!”

“He doesn’t have it. He doesn’t know where it is.”

Here comes Hulk again. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had so much anger build up in me I didn’t know what to do with it. I couldn’t hold it in. my rage spilled out in the form of tears on my pillow that night.

That was the end of that. I remain with that anger still in me. The rest of that year, whenever I saw him I was disgusted. Yet, that annoying feeling inside me is trying to convince me that somewhere in there is a good person. That person that I was searching for in him still wants to be found. I hope that scrapbook is safe and still exists. None of this would have happened if I would of just delivered the book myself. I was at first but the twisted nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach prevented me. My shy mysterious personality didn’t allow it either. Now a days, that we have all graduated from high school and are in college; I still think of him. Sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks of the book and whom HE thinks made it. I wonder if indeed he doesn’t know who I am. I wonder, maybe I was wrong about him and he really is a rotten person. I know it sounds ridiculous and out of this world but I’m a very analytical person and I never felt any negative energy coming from him. Really, he’s a good person… at least I think so. I’m still living with that assurance and, still trying to figure out why Nini. For sure, I will never know who he really is.

My new vendetta: Closure. I need closure. It’s all I want now and hope some day I’ll get that closure. It’s the only way I can free myself.